Apabila doa akhir tahun dibaca, syaitan akan mengeluh dengan berkata.. “sia-sialah kami sepanjang tahun ini kerana dia telah memusnahkan usaha kami, hanya dengan masa yang sebentar saja..” Salam Ma’al Hijrah 1430H..
Hati apabila sentiasa dalam leka dan lalai, hati itu tidak akan mencari hikmah, tetapi hati itu akan sentiasa mendahagakan apa-apa yang menyenangkan hati dan nafsu. Humans are all nafsu-driven by nature. Hmm. Astaghfirullah. Inni akhafullah.. Baik! Kurangkan bercakap perkara yang sia-sia dan lagha di ofis! (despite the fact that my workstation is always being used by my colleagues as their best rendezvous! ermm..)
Owh, my eldest sister is expecting for a new kiddo! ala.. potong line.. isk isk.. takpelah, alhamdulillah, rezeki kan.. ya Allah, percepatkanlah dan permudahkanlah bagi kami berdua.. Amin..
Setelah sekian laama menyepi.. upon request, blog yg humble ini akan di updatekan insyaAllah.. sebenarnya, memang dah lama sgt left behind, tiada selera nak update, especially when it has nothing new to tell.. well, life must go on.. keep on surviving, insyaALLAH!
Alhamdulillah, sekarang ni rasa tenang sket, bila dah start kerja dan menyibukkan diri dengan kerja kat pejabat (belum betul-betul sibuk lagi), bila pulang ke rumah, uruskan rumahtangga (yang tak sebesar mana pun sebenarnya!) Hehe..
There are some changes which are inevitable.. Perlukah nak ceritakan semuanya ye? Hmm.. yet there are secrets that must be treated as secrets.. hehe.. actually yesterday mmg agak sedih sebabnye? Penantian selama 2 bln telah berakhir.. False alarm! Takpelah, belum ada rezeki lagi.. insyaAllah, biarlah lambat sket pun takpe, mungkin hasilnya lebih sempurna..
Tertarik dgn salah satu isu hangat skang ni, yoga yg diharamkan.. kalau ikutkan mmg berminat nak follow, tapi bila dikaji movement & stepsnye (from a cd I bought – for dummies), ada jugak yg seakan2 position semasa solat.. contohnya duduk antara dua sujud & tahiyat. So terbaca pulak 1 pendapat yang menyatakan lebih kurang mcm ni lah setelah dibuat interpretation: buat ape perlu kita bersusah-payah belajar yoga etc, solat 5 waktu sendiri dah cukup untuk tenangkan fikiran dan hati serta menyihatkan badan.. Hmm.. memang betul pun.. kalau kat ofis, pukul 1.00 je terus ke surau, sebab nak solat dulu (zohor awal jugak skarang ni kan), sebab nak ilangkan stress & nak segarkan balik muka & anggota badan yang cramp kat workstation.. lepas solat, baru selesa nak buat apa-apa aktiviti pun, makan ke membaca ke.. lagi satu tidakle terkejar-kejar mcm yg slalu terjadi bila makan dulu baru solat.. ditambah lak dgn surau yg kosong & aman sbb belum ada yg nak solat – others sibuk nak makan dulu.. heee..
Petang, siap2 ke meeting union dgn boss.. dapat watikah perlantikan union.. wah.. mcm besar jugak tanggungjawab yg diamanatkan ni.. so lepas ni kenala dengar aduan sebarang ketidakpuasan hati rakan sekerja.. then uruskan bebudak yg buat tagging, kesian, bertambah tense nye mereka kerana Datuk tak approve coding lama.. so terpaksa retag balik.. takpalah, mmg ada niat nak blanja bebudak tu makan, sbg rasa appreciate di atas tungkus-lumus mereka menjalankan tugas..
Balik lewat, lepas maghrib baru berjalan ke putra dengan syu. Turun di sentral, off to subang. Due to the delayed train, terpaksa tunggu sampai 8.30. Cramped dlm tren tu astaghfirullah, sabarjelah. There’s a lady – malay, wearing tudung, who reaally made me pissed off. This lady hold the tiang infront of me like tanak bagi org lain paut gak kat situ.. ler.. sampai ade makcik sbelah dia pun tak dpt nak paut sama. Ler.. kalau tanak share, jgn naik tren ler.. 9.15 baru sampai subang, he fetched me up, headed to uptown. Makan2 then balik. Sampai rumah dlm 10.45, mandi, kemas2, siap2kan baju etc, then 12.00 tido. Memang penat masyaAllah. Tapi takpelah, yg penting dapat tidur cukup, recharge balik tenaga untuk kerja esok. Okeylah. Cukup dulu sampai sini. Time to recharge! 
If tear could build a stairway, and memories a lane,
I’d walk right up to heaven, and bring you home again..
My son would have been 1 year today had he lived.
For anyone who has lost a child, and I myself have lost one, the pain, anger and sorrow don’t become any less sharp. Those feelings may take a back seat to the inevitable everyday tasks and duties that we must carry out, but I find the smallest reminder can easily bring them to the fore again. For me, it is birthdays or holidays, a certain child’s cry, baby booties or a child s eyes looking into mine. I used to ask myself if it was wrong to continue to feel the grief so deeply until I read a story of another woman who had also lost a child. She, too, had the same conflicts of emotion: the need to “get on with life” and “snap out of it” versus the need to keep our children’s memories alive.
When we lose a child, especially if it is sudden and unexpected, it is as if a part of us dies too. There is a strong connection with our children which starts from the time a single seed is fertilized and becomes a living being. For mothers, there is no relationship more intimate that that of a woman with her unborn child during pregnancy.
Because of this, we feel our children’s every hurt, we instinctively know what they need, and we live to protect them. When they die, the loss of this “human” connection can bring on the most terrible kind of grief. Because we feel that we must “move on,” many of us keep this grief internally, afraid to admit that it doesn’t get any better. Having said that, there are ways of managing the pain and grief, so that it doesn’t overwhelm your life and does allow you to move on. Here are the things that I found helped (and hope could continue to help) me:
Grieve. I think it is OK to grieve, and there need be no time limit to your grief. Grieving is healthy and it helps you to rationalize your feelings.
Talk about it. You may feel that you don’t want to talk to people, because you don’t want them to feel uncomfortable. However, not talking about your child may make you as if they never existed or were no longer a part of your life; and they are!
One of my greatest achievements was when someone asked me how many children I had, and I said one, but died. Technically, I would have said none. Yes, there may be an awkward moment on the part of the listener, but to me, I have acknowledged my children. Once it becomes apparent that I am not uncomfortable discussing it, the listener will relax too and the awkwardness will pass—for both of you!
If you keep your child’s spirit alive, you will keep yourself alive and your emotions balanced. Talk about your child, what they did, how they looked, what they might have been like now. You will find the memories uplifting and your child will continue to be a part of your family. More importantly, you may find that the grieving process becomes easier. I am not saying that we should build a shrine for a lost child, but by the same token, I personally believe that it is unhealthy to simply stop talking about them.
Take the good days with the bad. Even years and years following the death of your child, you will have your good and bad days. This is normal, we are not super women, we are human. When I woke up this morning, I said to myself “It’s Adib’s birthday. He would have been 1yr today..” Last night I cried—a deep, soul-wrenching cry. Then I thought & talked about him. It helped a lot. When you have a very bad day, keep busy.
Accept and be blameless. This is the hardest thing of all. You may not accept that they had to die, but learn to accept that they did. One thing we will never know the answer to is why it had to be our child, so tormenting ourselves with “what if” and “if only” will only cause unnecessary and unhealthy guilt. What my husband keep telling me are:
- Accept that what has come to pass cannot be changed.
- Accept that it is you who are still living and live.
- Accept that life can be too short and live each day as if it is your last.
Happy birthday, Adib! We love you soooo very much!
Special message from my hubby.. so so touching.. thanx abang.. love u always.. insyaALLAH..
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♥HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!!!♥
(to my wife: Nul, from her loving husband!!)
Thank you Allah for this awesome woman! This has been the best year of my life, and it is all because of her (living for You) in my life. I look forward to the many years ahead with you, and our children (however many Allah would Bless us with)!
Nul, you have been such an encouragement in my life since day one. For praying for me every day and night. You have become my best friend, and everyday we grow closer and closer together. Tonight we celebrate how richly we are blessed; our marriage.
The passion was as strong as ever, the desire to be with each other grew even more after the marriage, and everything was always in the right place in my heart. While others are being torn apart, fighting over money and custody, I am at home with you every night of the week happier then ever. The opportunity to tell you; the woman of my life, just how much I love you and how much you mean to me every day is more then I could ever ask for.
You certainly are all I will ever need to die a happy man.
I know my life has never, and will never be the same with you here, and trust me, it has changed for the better and continues down that road every moment!
To all who read this, I just want to proclaim my love, special Gift from ALLAH, my one-and-only helpmate & soulmate, my WIFE… Noorul Izzah @ Nul..
I love you darling, Always and Forever… ♥♥♥
4th November, 2007
Losing a child has got to be
The very worst ordeal for any parent
You believe that you’ll go first
You protect them from the day they’re born
And give them all your love
Then suddenly the moment comes
When they’re taken up above
You never really get over it
But you have to carry on
You cry forever for your baby
The heartache just goes on.
But now you are with Him
And I have to understand
He’ll cuddle you and love you
And always hold your hand.
Mama cant sleep, and cant stop thinking of you.. :’)
It looks like this is the last post for the parenting journey series i planed to do since i have delivered the baby on the 4th of July 2007.. so sad that the 1st post was only a day before the delivery. it was still too early as the baby is only 23 weeks old so he didnt survive.. yes, he’s a boy and we named him MUHAMMAD ADIB..he weighed 1.02 pounds and he was so perfect.. he was asleep, he was pink, he also had a lot of dark hair, he was quite long, his tiny little fingers, hands, legs and toes, even the fingernails were all perfect.. we kept on saying how beautiful, perfect and tiny he was.. masya Allah..
I was about to post few scan pic and some clinic visit but i guess its all history now.. i remember my hubby said “i have my cam that day but trust me i just can’t shoot a thing…” until today he just can’t see anything worth to shoot but didnt regret not shooting the baby. He just can’t do it. luckily i was able to go thru a normal labour process and now doing well i am, alhamdulillah. and i am eternally grateful to have him beside me all the time.. he was truly wonderful during my labor with his tremendous support..he is my soul mate and without his love, care, kindness, devotion and understanding i think i would have given up. We did have our bad times but we weren’t prepared to give in.
When i had my first scan, we could see our little baby for the first time on the screen, the baby was growing, everything was fine. Everyday my little bump was getting bigger and stronger. I would just sit, watch and wait for movements..No one knows exactly how special this baby was to us both. A new little life was growing inside made of out of so much love. We just couldn’t wait for our baby to be born to love and cherish for ever.. But our precious baby boy was finally there with us and we never heard a little cry.. total silence.. Everyone was crying in the delivery room, it was so sad.. Nothing anyone could say or do could ease the pain we were going through..
Looking back now, i realise and understand that as traumatic as it was - it was God’s way. There is not a day that passes by when we do not think of our baby. We always tell we have a son - our little angel when people ask how many children we have. After all Adib did exist. And i never thought that i would be able to look back and smile at those difficult and sad times.. to this day i can still remember how it felt.
I just wanna say thanks to all that wish us well.. I really can not put in to words how much all of my close family mean to me/us and wanna thank them all for their kindness and support throughout this traumatic time.. Although a new chapter has begun, the begining is with us each and everyday of our lives.. We plan a second honeymoon trip before this blessed Ramadhan and hopefully everything will turn up fine after that..insyaAllah.. wish us well and thank you. Allah bless u all.. Amin.
Ya Allah Ya Rahman Ya Rahim
Kau ampunilah dosa ku yg telah ku perbuat
Kau limpahkanlah aku dengan kesabaran yg tiada terbatas
Kau berikanlah aku kekuatan mental dan fizikal
Kau kurniakanlah aku dengan sifat keredhaan
Kau peliharalah lidahku dari kata-kata nista
Kau kuatkanlah semangatku menempuhi segala cabaranMu
Kau berikanlah aku sifat kasih sesama insan
Ya Allah
Sekiranya suami ku ini adalah pilihan Mu di Arash
Berilah aku kekuatan dan keyakinan untuk terus bersamanya
Sekiranya suami ku ini adalah suami yg akan membimbing tanganku dititianMu
Kurniakanlah aku sifat kasih dan redha atas segala perbuatannya
Sekiranya suami ku ini adalah bidadara untuk ku di Jannah Mu
Limpahkanlah aku dengan sifat tunduk dan tawaduk akan segala perintahnya
Sekiranya suami ku ini adalah yang terbaik untukku di DuniaMu
Peliharalah tingkah laku serta kata-kataku dari menyakiti perasaannya
Sekiranya suami ku ini jodoh yang dirahmati olehMu
Berilah aku kesabaran untuk menghadapi segala kerenah dan ragamnya
Tetapi Ya Allah
Sekiranya suami ku ini ditakdirkan bukan untuk diriku seorang Kau tunjukkanlan aku jalan yg terbaik untuk aku harungi segala dugaanMu
Sekiranya suami ku tergoda dengan keindahan dunia Mu
Limpahkanlah aku kesabaran untuk terus membimbingnya
Sekiranya suami ku tunduk terhadap nafsu yang melalaikan
Kurniakanlah aku kekuatanMu untuk aku memperbetulkan keadaanya
Sekiranya suami ku menyintai kesesatan
Kau pandulah aku untuk menarik dirinya keluar dari terus terlena
Ya Allah
Kau yang Maha Megetahui apa yang terbaik untukku
Kau juga yang Maha Mengampuni segala kesilapan dan ketelanjuranku
Sekiranya aku tersilap berbuat keputusan
Bimbinglah aku ke jalan yang Engkau redhai
Sekiranya aku lalai dalam tanggungjawabku sebagai isteri
Kau hukumlah aku didunia tetapi bukan diakhiratMu
Sekiranya aku engkar dan derhaka
Berikanlah aku petunjuk kearah rahmatMu
Ya Allah sesungguhnya
Aku lemah tanpa petunjukMu
Aku buta tanpa bimbinganMu
Aku cacat tanpa hidayahMu
Aku hina tanpa RahmatMu
Ya Allah
Kuatkan hati dan semangatku
Tabahkan aku menghadapi segala cubaanMu
Jadikanlah aku isteri yang disenangi suami
Bukakanlah hatiku untuk menghayati agamaMu
Bimbinglah aku menjadi isteri Soleha
Hanya padaMu Ya Allah ku pohon segala harapan
Kerana aku pasrah dengan dugaanMu
Kerana aku sedar hinanya aku
Kerana aku insan lemah yg kerap keliru
Kerana aku leka dengan keindahan duniamu
Kerana kurang kesabaran ku menghadapi cabaranMu
Kerana pendek akal ku mengharungi ujianMu
Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku…
Aku hanya ingin menjadi isteri yang dirahmati
Isteri yang dikasihi
Isteri yang solehah
Isteri yang sentiasa dihati
Amin, amin Ya Rabbal Allamin..
I always wanted to know how things were for other people. How much weight were they gaining, what their bellies looked like, when they went into labor. So, of course, I wanted to know when people felt the baby kick.
When I thought of my baby in there, I always imagined a little thing, just walking around on the walls of my uterus. Yes, I know it sounds silly. I get it. But? That’s what I thought. A mall-walking fetus. Trying to explain to someone what those first few kicks are like is trying to explain a sneeze. You see it in your mind. You can almost feel it, but you can’t put it to words.
A girl I knew had described the feeling as “butterflies in her belly.” I went weeks waiting for the butterfly feeling. It never came. Then I started waiting for big kicks. They didn’t come either. Even better, it is more like trying to describe a fart, since that is the portion of your body that is all wonky, anyways. Go ahead. Describe one. I’ll wait.
Finally, I caught on and put the cellphone + the walkman on my belly. When it started to bounce, I knew it was the baby. Even though I couldn’t feel my baby, I could see that he was kicking. The best part about when the baby started to kick meant that we had “Interactive Fetus!” Interactive Fetus was a lot of fun. You could blow on your belly and make her jump. If you pressed enough, he’d start to kick.
And sometimes, if her Daddy stuck his face next to the belly and talked long enough, he’d kick him in the face. Haha.. i love my baby..
Last day at work. Big sigh of relief. No regrets, just hopes. Hv been planning of leaving since last October, but somehow managed to keep it going, since i had to. Big compromise that didn’t really work, but i didn’t hv much choice. Looking forward 2 a new experience with much less compromise. Still unknown…
I won’t think well of the time i spent here, but i’ve certainly learnt alot. What hv i learnt? I think 2 myself..
I’ve learnt that wut’s a year in our lives? doesn’t count 4 much when u lose it, but can change your life if u make good use of it. Time does go by if u just want it to..
I’ve learnt that i hv 2 do what i love in order 2 achieve and be satisfied. Just like i hv 2 be with whom i love. The more i compromise in that, the more i achieve less, and am less happy..
I’ve learnt that at times it seems like i know exactly what i want and what i love, its just very hard to get, so i just hveto make the right compromise. And when i do, hope 4 the best..
I’ve learnt that compromise is part of life, yet too much compromise can hurt..
I’ve learnt that giving up is not an option. When u give up u lose, and no one wants to lose..
I’ve learnt that my career (and job) is important to me, no matter how hard i try to convince myself otherwise. Achievements can be done in various ways, but i’m a single-minded person and that’s usually how i invest in myself. That investment is not 2 make money and hv a higher price, but 2 achieve, 2 do something useful. That is my return on my investment, its the usefulness i convince myself of doing. Contributing 2 the improvement of life as much as i can..
I’ve learnt that a work-life balance is crucial, but work is part of life, and its exhilarating 2 work when u don’t have to. And i miss it..
I’ve learnt that i’ve been raised 2 contribute through my work, & everything else is secondary. While not necessarily right, being raised like that makes thinking otherwise not seem right..
I’ve learnt that nothing lasts. Not the bad thing, nor the good thing. Just try to get as much good as you can. For me, its harder than normal. I’m not a lucky person in general, and things don’t come that easily for me. I miss and miss and miss, even if i try hard enough, but when it works out, it just feels so good. But i know it still doesn’t last..
I’ve learnt that i’m starting to lose my strong sense of attachment to people & to things. It was very easy to quit this job. U’d think that with age my sense of attachment would grow stronger & i’d grow more dependant on things and people i’m attached too, but no. With all the things and people i’ve lost over the years, i’m growing indifferent. Haven’t developed a strong bond to a thing or to a person in ages. Something that i’m most certainly missing, but it makes me travel much lighter..
I’ve learnt that patience is a virtue, but i wish we didn’t have to wait so long, and try so many things, especially when not knowing what the end would be..
I’m also learning that life is as beautiful as we make of it. We think we know what we want, we work on getting what we want, but Allah knows best..
Sometimes i wonder how my life would be if all what i hope for just happens, and all my not-so-successful experiences just never happened. Sounds like it would be nice. But i’m not doing that bad after all, & thanks Allah the Almighty for all. Wouldn’t know what to do without the peaks of hope i get from time to time. And i’m waiting 4 the last transaction to be keyed in the system. The last task 4 me to do in this big gigantic company..yeah. Thats it.
Now i feel so sad..thinking of the past..remember the time when we used to cry, remember the time we used to laugh, and talk about our dreams living for today while riding to work..& riding back home.. eventho it was so small.. now those days are gone forever, wish i’d make them last. So that’s wut i’ve been thinking 4 the past several days. Gonna miss all those moments.. It draws near. :’(
There’ll be a party tomorrow. Wuhuu. Mama & baba r not going back to kampung. Sib baik. They r going to dato’ harun din’s walimah, aku x leh gi laa arini balik lmbt sket. Abg sabri is now flying to mecca to do his duties as a doc for the pilgrims of the Hajj pilgrimage. Asked him to pray 4 us as he reach the Kaabah. InsyaAllah. Teringat when i was in Mekah, suprisingly the Kaabah is not as big as i expected. Tengok dlm gambar mcm besar sgt, tapi it just like a black box, not so high not so huge. Tapi Subhanallah. Stiap org mengelilinginya. Tawaf around, if we can c the view from the top, its like a clock, circling non-stop. Byk burung helang circling gak atas Kaabah tu. Mcm tawaf sama2. Udara kat sekitar tu nyaman, x panas. Even kalo ikut location & geografinye, Kaabah tu kat dlm lembah, kat kawasan yg rendah, tepi2 smua kawasan tinggi & bukit. Thats y penah skali dulu banjir kat Kaabah tu. That was long long time ago b4 i was born la. Bila tawaf wida’ (goodbye), rasa sayu sgt nak tinggalkan & most of us mengalir air mata. Takpe. Next time insyaAllah, kena pegi lagi utk Haji, bila dimurahkan rezeki. Tingat kat Pak Su Teh yg tinggal kat Jeddah. Sambut kitowang huaaa dasat. Jamu makanan mcm 15 org nak makan, padahal 4 org jek. Sayang x sempat amek gambar the food served..hehe, penat sgt. Pengalaman. Bagi aku, elok & alhamdulillah sedap hati sket dah pegi ke Tanah Suci, b4 pegi berjalan ke negara lain. Sblum gi melancong ke tempat lain, eloklah didahulukan ke Tanah Suci. Ibadah dahulu, kan. Tak mcm some ppl tu (who i know very much), 1 dunia dah pegi, sebut je, pekan kecik kat german ke, dusseldorf ke, ape ke, smua dah. bila tanye mekah dah ke?? terus diam. huh. hampeh. byk duit tapi tak reti nak bersyukur. sedih. takyah la buat2 lupa, rezeki tu smua dtg dpd Allah juga. Kan. nanti bila diturunkan bala’ (na’uzubillahi min zalik), tak kira la yg dah gi haji ke blum ke smua kena. lump sum. Wallahua’lam.
So.. 9 days more to go.. hehe. subangjaya is actually not a good place to reduce the stress level.. heee. i like bangi much much more than any other place. the ppl r more educated (lecturers, teachers, ustaz, engineers etc), and when u go to the shopping mall (warta & billion), still can c lots of makcik2 pakai tudung, pakcik2 pakai kopiah, girls pakai baju kurung, even lil kids wearing tudung as well. then u go to metro kajang, u’ll feel like u r an alien! too many teenagers loitering, showing off their pride getups, mcm org gile, too many punk-ers & black metal-ers. tahpahape. i’m not saying that sapa yg pakai tudung is good, but atleast, atleast, kita hormat tuntutan agama. kan. Ppl in sj r kinda sombong, prasan bagus & x pduli org lain.. dlm fikiran dah embed statement “helo, ko sapa?? aku dulik apa..” tapi x smua laaaa..ada gak yg ok.. kebanyakan yg aku jumpa mcm sumbung laa.. the worst thing is the congested traffic & no enuf parking lot.. pack gile sakit paler tengok. kat bangi, mana ade jem.. jem sket je tu pun kat traffic light on peak hour time je (7 a.m & 5 p.m).. Hmm..takpelah. tapi housing kat sj mmg cantik2 la & gempak2 blaka..especially yg dpt corner lot.. then renovate kaw2 punye..bile tengok kesian gak pun ade..sbb supposed it shud be a bungalow la..sebijik, not attached to the others. kan. x kesah la. janji bahagia. hehe. ok la. killing my time.
